lol
ive decided to camp till tmr morning
O_O
well
its 2 in the morning
so im halfway there ardy
lol
cause
i have to wake up at 4 anw
go airport pick my mum
O_O
her plane's arriving at 5 sth
lol
and nw my bro
dk whr he go
uh
he said he go find fren
go makan midnite supper
^%&^@$&$%
and im stuck here
O_O
sooo
im being lame
im lurking in ppf's backyard
and im readin all sorts of crap
lol
srsly
backyard is interesting
loool
read on
the following jokes are rubbish
A Primary School teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, “Harry, what is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the Primary 1. My sister is in Primary 3
and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary 3 too!”
The teacher took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the
outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the Primary 1, and
behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in. The conditions were
explained, and Harry agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
H! arry: “36”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a Primary 1
student should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to Primary 3.”
The teacher says to the principal, “May I ask him some tougher questions?”
The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two?”
Harry: “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” (The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do when a man steps in?”
Harry: “Pants.”
Teacher: “What starts with a C and ends with a T, and it is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?” (The principal’s eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer…)
Harry: “Coconut.”
Teacher: “What goes in hard ! and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
Harry: “Bubblegum.”
Teacher: “What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and
dog do
on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
Teacher: “Now I will ask some ‘Who am I’ sort of questions, okay?”
Teacher: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.” Who am I?
Harry: “A Tent.”
Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The
best man always has me first.” What am I? (Principal was looking restless
and a bit tense)
Harry: “A Wedding Ring.”
Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow
me, I feel good.” What am I?
Harry: “A Nose.”
Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver.” What am I?
Harry: “An Arrow.”
Teacher: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot
of excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put this
*** in Primary 6! I got the last 10 questions all wrong myself.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.You go up to her and say,“I am very rich. Marry me!”
“That’s Direct Marketing”
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.One of your friends goes
up to her and pointing at you says,He’s very rich. Marry him.”
“That’s Advertising.”
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.You go up to her and get her telephone number.The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.”
“That’s Telemarketing.”
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.You open the door for her,pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,“By the way, I’m very rich “Will you marry me?”
“That’s Public Relations.”
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich, I want to marry you.”
“That’s Brand Recognition.”
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.You go up to her and say,“I’m rich. Marry me"She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
“That’s Customer Feedback.”
From Other Thread not mine except for posting it
----------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY:What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY:What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY:What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY:This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY:You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY:How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY:How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY:What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY:And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEYo you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY:Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY:You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY:Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY:The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one..
ATTORNEY:Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY:So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….
ATTORNEY:She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY:Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY:How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY:And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY:Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY:Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY:doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY:ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEYo you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY:And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY:Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
ATTORNEY;doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEYid you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEYid you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY:So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY:How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Pregnancy Help-Line
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s ***?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s
borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a
supermodel?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college…. Maybe!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 ways to harass a telemarketer
10. When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you sked
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died….”
9. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you are just about to file for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When he telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!”
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
13 Stress Reliever
Stress Reliever #1
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem
can there be greater than this one?”
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of
the night?”
Husband to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to husband: “What? At 2 am?!”
Husband to wife: “Yes, We used night clubs.”
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: “let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 6
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”..
“My father grows beans,” said one student.
“My father cooks beans,” said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 7
Interviewer to Millionaire: “To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire to?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 8
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 9
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after ***?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 10
Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I’m the first man yo u are
sleeping with?
Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 11
Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 12
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face
or my ***y body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of
humour.
__________________________________________________ ___________
Stress Reliever # 13
Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are
you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A housewife takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: ”$250.”
Man: “Fine.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: ”$750.”
Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball.”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ”$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost.”
“I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that Thing again!”
---------------------------------------------------------------
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-~-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.
A-S-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullsh~t and As*kissing that will put you over the top.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women
“Yes” = No
“No” = Yes
“Maybe” = No
“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now
“Do what you want” = You’ll pay for this later.
“We need to talk” = I need to complain.
“Sure…....... go ahead” = I don’t want you to.
“I’m not upset” = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
“Be romantic, turn out the lights” = I have flabby thighs.
“I want new curtains” = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
“I heard a noise” =I noticed you were almost asleep.
“Do you love me?” = I’m going to ask for something expensive
“How much do you love me?” = I did something today you’re not going to really like me
“Is my butt fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful.
“You have to learn to communicate” = Just agree with me.
“Are you listening to me?” = [Too late, you’re dead.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?
GEORGE W BUSH
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken’s habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels
of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting
a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet that somebody out there
is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans
take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I
say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took
from you to build a road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying ***ual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
AL GORE
I invented the chicken!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT
CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was
much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
ROBBER BARON
I don’t give a crap as long as it has wings!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
S.H.I.T.
Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it would be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of “Special High Intensity Training” (S.H.~T.)
We are trying to give employees more S.H~T n anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.~T. on the job, please see you manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all of the S.H.~T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.~t will be placed in “Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs” (D.E.E.P. S.H.~T.) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.~T. seriously will have to go to “Employee Attitude Training” (E.A.T. S.H.~T.) Since our managers took S.H.~T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.~T. anymore, and are full of S.H.~T. already.
If you are full of S.H.~T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add you name to our “Basic Understanding Lecture List” (B.U.L.L. S.H.~T.) Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.~T. will get the S.H.~T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to “Director Of Intensity Programming” (D.I.P. S.H.~T.)
If you have further questions, please direct them to our “Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training” (H.O.T. S.H.~T.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
OK LA
POST SOMMORE I TINK BLOGGER CANOT TAKE IT ARDY
LOLOLOLOL
sheeze
its 3 ardy
O_O
and theres still alot more jokes
lololol
and im using the flexible keyboard to type
nehh
the one i jz bought
lolll
cause cause,
use this type = soundless
use norm one type = noisy
O_O
althought that one nicer to type la
lol
use this one type
take forever sia
@@
and
1hr more to tahan
oh well
lololol
RaRa Pwned You @
3:00 AM